Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. But if you do, sleep in the bathtub …
If you are extremely drunk and swear you will never drink too much again, you will forget this when you are sober.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “Government.”
There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.” If you don’t understand this, try putting up your own blog.
You’d better get all your sex here on earth because there won’t be any in heaven.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
You should not confuse your career with your life. Or, work to life not live to work … but if you can’t follow this, email me your ladies phone number and I’ll keep her occupied while you are busy.
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. We all need something to laugh about…
Never lick a steak knife, or a frozen metal object. But, if you are dying of curiosity, go for it and get ready for some incredible fun.
The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. Next would be women’s talk shows…
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. Even if you don’t follow it, you’ll be back in sync with everybody eventually.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
I have nothing against the institution of marriage … I’m just not ready for an institution yet.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
A rich man’s joke is always funny.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails).
Always forgive your enemies. It will drive them nuts.
The trouble with being punctual is that usually, nobody is there to appreciate it.
Your friends love you anyway. But if you have none, I will be your friend for a small phenomenal fee…
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic, and politicians run our government.